How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You Might Also Like
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!