Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no