I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here