4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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This made me smile…
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Safety first
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*