Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad