If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
January has been Januweary
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism