[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.