me as a parent
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain