Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
So true for me
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog