i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Very good! 👍😂
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good