Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My dog learned how to text
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
sugar glider wrangler