My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I feel seen.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN