My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Donating blood today to make room for more food
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’