[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
This is a true ally.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Super Hand Dog Face
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.