Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
scares