I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
🍛
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
This made me chuckle.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands