Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My five year plan is a meteorite
#milo
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.