20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
when revenge coincides with naptime
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]