Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
bout dat hot dog summer
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Sign at work today
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I feel it
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs