If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.