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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.