Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Bloody internet 😳
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really