If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Proctology is located in A55
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.