what?
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.