the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…