If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number