I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
You Might Also Like
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
no!! no!!!!!!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
we’re dead?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
where the womens at?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes