Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks