If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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wtf management?!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
We’re all getting idioter.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.