people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.