[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Aight bet
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.