Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe