Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I wish I were this cool 😂
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely