My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
You Might Also Like
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.