“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.