The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.