my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?