Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
real
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.