A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late