It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
who did the taste test?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running