The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.