interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.