Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.