Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.