We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.