Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore