Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me in tagged photos
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.