Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.