My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Saturday
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I think this cat is broken
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones