Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
You Might Also Like
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
This meal prepping shit easy
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST